Tips from The Parents' Coach

Mary

You are right to be concerned about this behavior for a couple of reasons. I would, however rate the money ones at a greater priority than the gum one and, in fact, they could have been done by two different culprits. The gum is more a thoughtless act of I saw it and I wanted it and I took it. The money ones could easily be a symptom of something more serious that is going on with one of your teens, such as cigarette use, drinking, or drugs. Things that require money that can’t be asked for.

If this was my family, I would have two ways that I could handle it. The first, high tech way is to set up a camera in your bedroom where the change jar is or where the donation envelop is kept and you will know the next time it happens. The other way is to convene a family meeting to discuss the importance of honesty and how it is the families money. In my family I used to refer to this concept as “Wittman, Inc.” meaning that even though I made the money, we all had roles in the family and the money supported us all. I would probably not try to get a confession in the group but rather leave the door open for a private discussion, emphasizing that I was more concerned about their welfare than needing to punish the guilty.

The other concern that I have has to do with what is called having an attractive nuisance. In common law, a back yard swimming pool that does not have a fence around it is called an attractive nuisance and the owner is liable for a toddler wandering in and drowning. In this case having money lying around is an attractive nuisance and ought to be monitored carefully. While I am on it, if you have a liquor cabinet, it needs to be locked and any prescription psych meds also need to be someplace other than in the medicine cabinet. I know you would like to know that you can trust your kids, but this is too critical an area for their well being for you to experiment with the degree of their honesty.