As you probably know already, I am one of the resident experts on the Parenting of Teens section of AllExperts.com. Parents send in their questions and I and several other professionals take turns answering them. The questioner has the option to provide a rated feedback to the answer I wrote. The most recent one that I got back is from a lady who had questions on how to handle her depressed teenager. Because she requested the Q & A be private, I am not free to post my answer here. If you are a reader of this blog, you probably can guess from my writings what I suggested. Here is her rating:

Effective parenting of older teens and young adults requires a rethink of the whole parenting process.  Parenting children, pre-teens, and early teens is all about teaching the fundamentals of life. At birth children have no knowledge other than how to cry and scream. In the next twelve to fourteen years parents are the primary teacher of everything from speech to manners. Someplace around early to middle teens, there is a shift in the thinking of the teenage mind from “parents, teach me all you know. I will follow you anywhere, lead me, please,” to an urge, a drive, to become their own person, a free agent, an adult.

The problem in parenting is that most parents do not recognize that, for them to remain effective parents, they need to make an equally huge shift in their approach to parenting. Most pre-teen parenting is from the top down. Parents lead and children follow. Parents dictate the agenda and their kids are made to obey. With older teens, this kind of parenting becomes less and less effective. Most problems parents have with older teens boils down to a power struggle. It becomes a war where parents might win a battle or two, but they will ultimately lose the war and possibly any influence they might have in their kids lives, as well. With a shift in thinking and parenting techniques this warfare would disappear.

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When parents chose to become parents, they make an inviolate covenant with God to be the best parents they can be, through thick and thin until the job is done. Upon making that decision to become parents, either by birthing their child or adopting one, they become what I call God’s designated hitter. At that moment they are tapped on their shoulders by God and from that moment on, that child is their responsibility. There is no giving that responsibility away or abandoning it. There might be times when the needs of the child exceed the abilities of the parents. Even at those times when the services of outside experts are needed, the parents still have overall responsibility. There are times when it seems that they have done all that they can possibly do for their child. It is absolutely part of their agreement with God to ask for other designated hitters to be assigned to provide what the parents are unable to provide. Even when God assigns those tasks to others and the teen is not under the direct care of the parents,  such as if the teen was put in a detention facility or went off to college (hopefully the latter), the parents’ covenant with God to be the teens parents for the duration, is not terminated. Parents still need to be prepared to assume their role when they are once again called on to do so.

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Diana Sterling, the author of "Parent As Coach" the text that I use when I teach my parenting course, once mentioned that it is way more effective when offering a teen a complement to use, "I really respect you for …X…" rather than the usual, "I am very proud of you." Because I trust her advice, I used it the next time my son did something I wanted to praise. The reaction I got was subtle but profound. I got a quiet thank you and a little later an, out-of-nowhere hug. I have been using it ever since.

It amazes me that ever though both of those phrases have the same intention behind them, they have such a different effect on the listener. The difference seems to stem from the implication of each phrase. "You make me so proud," is about how the listener’s behavior or accomplishment effects the speaker’s feelings. How it shines well on the speaker and his accomplishment of being a great parent. Other than any good feelings tor doing some thing to give the speaker good feelings, there is little in that statement for the listener.

"I respect you for …." on the other hand, is all about the listener. It is saying, "I truly acknowledge you and what you did or accomplished." Now that is something to really feel good about!

About the Author:

Jason Wittman, MPS has a private practice as a Life Coach specializing in working with parents of teenage boys and young adults ( http://TheParentsCoach.com ) He can be reached at jason@theparentscoach.com

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